The Paxmans: 2011

What did I get for my 26^th birthday? One big “ah ha” moment! (amongst other incredible, more tangible gifts. i.e., world’s best mixer and all the fixin’s for one amazing nursery for Luke: Crib, bedding, rug, décor!)

So, was this defining moment because of the addition of one more year to my life? Or was it coincidental timing? Probably a mixture, but I have a feeling this moment has been in the works for quite some time.

Little did I know that I was in the midst of under going an incredible period of transition and growth—processing this all without ever really knowing . . . until I KNEW, that is!

During pregnancy, I was often told that Jeff and I would change: individually and as a couple. When I heard that “warning,” I thought, “only for the better.” How right I was; however, how right those dishing out the “warning” were, too. We have changed. We have changed immensely: individually and as a couple.

Recently, I had been feeling very confused—almost conflicted—about “missing” my past. I missed friends, I missed good times, I missed events, I missed feelings . . . I missed me. I felt trodden down with guilt. How could I, the girl who has everything, miss things of my past?

I truly have it all: an incredible and beautiful husband—one who is there for me day or night, rain or shine; a remarkable, loveable, perfect son—a son who lights up every moment in my life; a future—a bright and happy future, filled with goals, security, more children . . . more love! So, with all this, why had I recently been thinking of my past?

For my birthday, my parents pretty much bought me our nursery for Luke. Beautiful pieces of furniture and décor that I had picked out the moment we found out we were having a boy—a nursery I dreamt about often. What a wonderful gift.

Jeff got me the Kitchen-aid mixer I’ve been pining over for . . . well, almost 3 years now! I am enrolled in a cake-decorating course over the summer with hopes to be able to make one killer cake for Luke’s 1^st birthday! Now, with the added capacity of a professional-grade mixer, I can bake ANYTHING I want (right?!?). Jeff knows me. Jeff knows exactly the kind of gift I want: one that adds to the family, to our memories, to our life!

So, what do these two gifts have in common? What do these gifts symbolize?

“I’m a woman . . . hear me roar!”

I no longer hope for, or do things, that only serve me. No, my life now has more meaning, more depth. I have a family—my very own, sweet and beautiful, family. I’m not a young, footloose and fancy-free gal anymore.

I’ve always loved the song, “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac. I love all renditions, especially the most current one performed by Gwenyth Paltrow and the cast of Glee.

Landslide

Took my love and I took it down

Climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills

Well, the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changin'

'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder, children get older

I'm getting older, too

Well, I've been afraid of changin'

'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder, children get older

I'm getting older, too, well, I'm getting older, too

So take this love and take it down

Yeah, and if you climb a mountain and you turn around

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well, the landslide brought down

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well maybe, well maybe, well maybe

The landslide will bring you down

I always thought this to be a love song, and maybe it is intended to be; however, as I drove around, listening to this song and really taking in the lyrics, I realized this song wasn’t meant to be a ballot to someone else, but was more about inner reflection.

Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? I’ve been afraid of changing, because I have built my life around you.

I always thought the “you” in this song was referring to another person—one you’ve loved and are afraid to let go. And actually, that’s exactly what this song is referring to; only that person you’ve loved and let go is a facet of yourself—a part of you that is changing. I’ve been afraid of changing, because I have built my life around the person I was—the very person that is changing, growing, becoming.

This song is beautiful, reflecting upon the people we once were and accepting the people we are growing to become.

My life has completely changed. I have completely changed. I am a wife. I am a mother.

Every event in my daily life is calculated: figuring out a good time to shower, hoping it falls during naptime; finding a good time to straighten up the house, but making sure not to infringe on my playtime with Luke; saving just enough energy to devote to adult time with Jeff after Luke goes to bed.

Jeff and I no longer have the luxury of picking up our stuff and getting away for a weekend; if we do, you better believe we have thought it through thoroughly and have made sure it will work for our family of 3. We aren’t in the careless romantic stage of our relationship anymore. We are parents; our lives center around running a home.

I am, to the oomph degree, in the very truest sense, a working woman! I have never worked harder, longer days in my life. I have also never loved what I am doing more.

Becoming a spouse and then a parent definitely changes life. It changes life for the better. It changes life for good. It is not for the faint at heart!

Transitions are huge and changes can take some adjustment. We learn how to love. We learn how to let go. We learn how to adapt. We learn how to embrace. We learn how to give more of ourselves.

Can I handle the seasons of my life? Not only can I handle them, I welcome them with open arms and a genuine smile.

I am grateful for all the beautiful changes life has sent my way. I am grateful to be my loving parents’ daughter. I am grateful to be a sister to 3 incredible brothers. I am grateful to be Jeff’s wife. I am grateful to be Luke’s mother.

Bring on the changes—bring on life!

These last 5 months have been the best, most emotion-filled months I have ever—will ever—experience. There are so many things I want to remember and say to Luke—telling him of all the touching moments we’ve shared thus far; all the hopes and dreams I hold for his future; and the unconditional love that I feel for him.

My dear friend, Katey, told me how wonderful the world of blogging truly can be. She informed me that there is a feature that allows you to print your blog in book form, creating a type of journal keepsake. What a perfect way to jot down and save all the thoughts that consume my mind. And so here I go . . . AGAIN!

I imagine my first go at this since Luke was born might be a tad long as I try and wrap up 5 incredible months in one post, but have hopes that as I continue to blog on a more regular basis, the length may lessen . . . but that may be idealistic thinking. As most know, I always have A LOT to say! Anyway . . .

Luke Philip Paxman was born on October 6, 2o1o at 2:49 p.m.—he was perfectly beautiful. He continues to get more beautiful with each passing moment.

I have always loved children. At times I even thought I loved some children as my own; however, NOTHING, not even a prior love for children and hopes to have my own, could have prepared me for the overwhelming love that is motherhood.

I remember one time in church my mom spoke of Heavenly Father’s love, stating that the love of a mother is the closest thing on earth we have to experiencing that kind of perfect love ourselves. I thought I understood—could atleast imagine—that kind of eternal love. But, it wasn’t until Luke was placed in my arms, straight from Heavenly Father’s hands himself, that I truly felt exactly what my mom had described.

My heart has more than doubled in size—stretching each day to experience a new, more perfect kind of love.

Luke is the most incredible baby: each time he smiles, it’s like the first time all over again—melting my heart with its incredible warmth; his giggle is absolutely contagious and can bring even the toughest of folk to tear-filled laughter; his coos are anything but ordinary . . . sounding more like yells, screeches, gasps, and gurgles; his nose is perfect—small and button-like; his cheeks are . . . well, HUGE . . . and so very kissable; his body is chunky, yet incredibly athletic; and his eyes, my favorite feature, are beautiful—lighting up each time he sees me, letting me know he is every bit as in love with me as I am him.

I love this boy of mine. I love him more than I could ever express, more than I ever could have imagined. He is my best little bud, my sweet boy, my son.

When Luke was born, my love not only grew for him, but also for Jeff—my best friend, my eternal companion. At the very moment Luke was born, our love changed forever. We went from being lovesick young adults, to becoming parents—eternal partners. We will spend our forevers working together to create a Christ-centered family and cherishing every moment along the way.

Life is a gift. May we embrace each moment life has to offer (the good with the bad) and be grateful for the many experiences we have had/will continue to have. May we count our blessings and be grateful for eternal families . . . I know I am. Here’s to my incredible family, the one I come from and the one I am creating!